the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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