just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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