this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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