Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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