i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
