I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
