I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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