I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
