Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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