Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize