it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
