whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
