hell yes lets make some ravioli
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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