You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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