I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want nice things and good sex
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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