if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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