and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
