So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
