these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
