Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
