My hair reeks of homosexuality.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
