i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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