Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
