every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
