I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
