Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
