Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
