I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
