there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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