god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
