i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
