if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
