I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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