I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
