ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
