he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
