my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet