oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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