the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
