nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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