I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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