put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
