Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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