if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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