he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
