My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
