literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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