No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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