Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
