Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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