His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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