the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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