I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
