Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You're a waste of cheezeits
This is classic penis vs brain.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
