my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
