We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I will die if light touches me.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
