She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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