They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
