There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
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What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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