the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
